Todays been pretty interesting.
Not interesting in a sense of actually things that happened. But the space I was in mentally from the time I woke up. To how I chose to continually not be fucked with or bothered at all. If my life were any more presently more genuine I’d even say I’m still at a place to not want to be fucked with. Days like this I could get use to. Dropping the facade of doing things I really have no interest in really makes no difference, and saying yes for someone else really doesn’t do anything for them like it seems. I’ve literally spent this day alone. Got dressed ran errands and made a 30% effort to be productive today.
But outside if choosing between paying over due fees at the gym and attempting to pull some gym rat of a beast out that know it’s repetition count for a every muscle group I focus on. I decided to keep it simple. Grab a burger from my favorite spot in LA and head back to my from that I pay partial rent on at a family members house, cause clearly I’ve gotten comfortable with living in two places at one time. Spending all this time alone today wasn’t productive or developing in anyway. But at least it was still peaceful quiet and disturbing . When I first got back here. Seeing the faces of my niece and nephew took anger and anxiety and bitch slapped right off my shoulder. I guess it’s something about knowing your been fighting a beast only the look of a family member who’s sweet kind and completely unaware of your versions of “out of my mind” is like. Tight hugs at my waist line as 5 year old legs wrap tight around my calf’s. I bend half way forward to graze my nephew back thinking. These visits aren’t enough.
And if my mind weren’t so selfish to keep things the way they are. Maybe I’d make room to be more creative about my ideas and invitations to get outside of my head.
If I ever thought suicide I’d never think it was because of something I myself had bottled in. But then, I never think suicide. I think I get so caught up in internally reheating good ideas that everyone else accepts, that I get left in a dark place of not know what else to do with my self, my day or that emotion.
I’m starting to wonder who really cares.
Do I? I’m no pillar in the community. No mentor celebrity that needs kids or the mayor to trust my decisions or ability to change hundreds to thousands of people or some system on how things are done.
But as I sit here at 33 years old
Where I am, with what I have and what I haven’t finished.
For once, I don’t feel guilty for wasting the day. Not doing shit. Shrugs
3.27.22